Letter to myself

Dear Me,

Have patience.

I could end this letter right now, but wouldn't that be boring?

I'll elaborate and say...have patience for the future and all things unknown. Sure you thought you'd be in a different spot in life right now, but did you have a vision for what that'd be? No. Not really.

You always thought you'd be an editor at a magazine, but you tried the journalism path, and its cutthroat nature didn't really suit you.

You certainly never saw yourself as a coach, let alone a college coach, but there you were, skirt suit and clipboard in hand for two years.

Balancing the demands of a graduate program you loved dearly and managing the tasks of your coaching job proved to be a true test of your multitasking abilities and endurance. You made it.

Along the way, you ran in some races, overcame a serious case of heartbreak, traveled, became best friends with your mom, started reading again, reconnected with some genuine friends, cooked, baked, ate, went broke, and most importantly, fell in love all over again.

I'd say things pretty much worked out for you, wouldn't you?

Don't ever forget you had an outstanding summer this year! After graduation 2.0, you lived a dream life, which consisted of twice-daily workouts, cooking and eating incredible food, traveling all around the country to your friends' weddings (including two trips to your so-called second-home), soaking up all the sun the northwest sky had to offer, walking/talking/errand-ing with your mom, trying new things like Bikram yoga and yogurt!, laughing and loving any and all things with Taylor, experiencing family loss as your grandpa passed and gain as your brother married the love of his life, sitting on pins and needles waiting for your sister to head into labor on Labor Day (still waiting on this one...), networking with outstanding professionals in the Portland area (really learning and understanding just what job will be right for you when it comes along), being able to enjoy local events and happenings, and checking off all the things to do you'd been storing up for two years as an overworked, underpaid graduate student.

You're refreshed. Your mom never wants to hear you're stressed or worn out ever again. You've done your fair share of gallivanting around, and you're ready to be contributing to society yet again.

But yet, you're frustrated. You're slinging groceries right now, instead of writing and editing professional pieces of literature or business copy. It's okay though. It's just an in-between gig. A stepping-stone. That's what people keep telling you, and that's what annoys you. "I already went through this phase once before...back when I was 22." You can keep responding in this way, or you can hold your head high and take comfort in the fact that your life always seems to work out.

You're going to look back and laugh. You're going to want to delete this post the minute the dream job actually comes calling. It'll probably be sooner than later, and you'll be embarrassed you spent so much time complaining.

Don't let the things you can't control overpower those you can. Namely, your attitude. Enjoy the work that brings in your paycheck. The people you work with a friendly and kind, and everyone knows you love food--and you can't forget to mention the fact that you get a discount!

Your dad loves to preach the quote: "Sit back and watch life like a movie." Maybe it's time you took a deep breath and did just that.

"...the many paradoxes of happiness: we seek to control our lives, but the unfamiliar and the unexpected are important sources of happiness." Thanks, Gretchen Rubin. I'll keep this quote in mind, too.

Just have patience. Life just keeps getting better, and like always, the little hiccups serve as great stories and experience for future endeavors.

Now go and enjoy the day and your random grocery store work schedule, which permits you to indulge in a run and your favorite boot camp, as well as lunch on the couch in front of your Food Network friends.

Sincerely,
Kate

Unwritten

I kid you not. The following happened to me today, the fourth day in May ...

Maybe I should rewind and let you in on my final prayer before I fell asleep last night. I asked God for strength, and I prayed for people who I know that need strength. I tried to pray for others instead of myself. I said I was going to wake up and feel a new sense of strength. Call it a self-fulfilling prophecy, but that's just exactly what happened. I felt wonderful. 

I was tired of being unproductive and sulking in the results of recent events, and I worked through my day with a genuine smile on my face, checking off the things that had been building on my to-do list for the past two weeks. 

Whether at my desk or in my car, I had music on, and I chuckled as I heard Keith Urban's Stupid Boy. On my way home from work, I found myself lost in the lyrics of Amy Grant's new song Better Than a Hallelujah. 

Without thinking about the weather or how far I would go, I threw on my running clothes, jammed my headphones into my ears, and set off on a run the moment I got home. By the time I reached a fork in the road, it started to rain. Would it sprinkle or would it pour? Should I go short or run long? I chose to take the route that would end back home after five miles. Of course it began to pour. I smiled to myself because the running seemed to get easier the more I pushed. 

Just as I rounded up one of the last hills before the homestretch, Natasha Bedingfield's Unwritten came on my iPod. I couldn't believe the words I was hearing as the rain was literally dripping off my nose and soaking through my shirt. It was an omen. It was a nod from God. Whatever it was, it was perfect. Absolutely perfect.   Read the following and correct me if I'm wrong. Oh what a glorious day! 

I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

Oh, oh, oh

I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines
We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten

Oh, yeah, yeah

'Life begins at the end of your comfort zone'

I read this quote by Neale Donald Walsch on a Quotable Card, and of all the things I've read in recent days and weeks, it really spoke to me.

It's pretty difficult to put this into words, but I am going to try.

I feel like God and I have this little game going on. I don't know if I'd call it a game, but it seems like whenever I feel on top of the world, something happens to remind me that ... well ... life happens. Let me rewind and share some examples of this so-called game.

In college, I started and scored in every basketball game of my career for three seasons. I had a wonderful relationship with my coach. I played free of injury and seemed to skate through the seasons, racking up accomplishments and awards, and although I worked extremely hard for these things, they flocked to me nonetheless.

Then, my senior season rolled around. This should have been my best year ever, but my back started bothering me, and the precarious injury got progressively worse, to the point I could not get out of bed without a load of pain. I wasn't able to perform on the court as I had in previous years, and my relationship with my coach began deteriorating. I even got yanked from the starting lineup shortly before the end of the season. Almost every aspect of the game I loved caused me to cringe.

I didn't understand why any of those things happened to me at the time. It took at least a year after graduation for me to look at a basketball and actually want to pick it up. After much contemplation, however, I realized that had I not suffered through such a personally devastating season, there's no way I could truly empathize with others who either don't get to play due to injury or performance issues or who have difficult relationships with their coaches. As I am hoping to have many children, how would I relate to them if they end up riding the bench or endure an injury?

Similarly, I suffered some broken hearts in college. Where do I begin with this one? I don't want to dive into details, but it's safe to say, whenever I had feelings for a guy, I'd tell him. I couldn't hold it in. On more than one occasion, I thought I was heading down the road to Relationship-ville (population boy + Kate) only to receive the, "You're amazing, but I don't like you like that" speech. Oh, you'd think I was a pro at hearing this one. It never got easier, but I was more willing to have guys-as-friends than to try to have boyfriends.

Then, I met my one true college boyfriend. We were total opposites, but he made me laugh, and we had a good time together. I want to say this lasted a total of five or six months (and in college, that's a looong time!). I knew when I met him I didn't want to have a boyfriend when I graduated college, but regardless, I was not expecting it the night he came over to tell me--and I quote--"I feel like this is either going to get super serious or it's going to end." I don't even know if I allowed that last part to escape his mouth before I said, "What are you talking about?!" Man oh man. I didn't see that one coming. I was devastated. I remember my three roommates banding together and cutting up photos of my "ex" and me. It was super therapeutic.  
  
It took some time, but I got over it. It wasn't easy as I had to see him with other girls at the bars, and I had to run into him on campus. Now, I'm able to text with him and laugh about certain memories and silly college times. I recently asked him, "How long would you say it took before we could be friends and not have hurt feelings." His response: "I don't know. A couple weeks?" Well folks, this just shows how different women and men are. A couple weeks to him was the equivalent of several months if not a full year for me.

There are other such stories and examples of this "game with God," but the most recent, and perhaps most trying is my breakup with my boyfriend. If you read my blog, I'm sure you feel like that came out of nowhere. Well, that's exactly how I felt on a typical Sunday evening when I got the phone call ending our two-year relationship. It was one-sided, and I didn't really get a straight explanation. There were no feelings of regret or remorse out of this guy on the other line. I had no idea who I was talking to. This was not the man I was planning to marry. That guy and I never really fought. We had an effortless relationship. I was 100 percent in love, and I had more trust and faith in him than anyone. We just saw each other a few weeks earlier, and everything seemed just as it always did. I had not a worry in the world or questionable moment about our future together. Then, in an instant, it was gone. This was the moment I realized any heartbreak before was minimal. This was gut-wrenching heartache.

It's important to live life with no regrets, and that's something deep down I'm sure of. I wish time would fast-forward to the point where I can say I don't regret meeting him, but right now that's pretty difficult. I want time to pass so I can look back and smile about the wonderful memories we made together. I want to be able to laugh and be friends and say thank you for our time together. It's crazy, though--I never thought I'd be looking back and smiling. I thought I would be looking forward and grinning from ear-to-ear together.

So, it's hard right now to have that faith because I never saw this coming. There's a laundry list of things I'm sad, mad, and even angry about, but No. 1 on the list is the fact that I loved sharing my life with him. I'm confident and happy being alone, but having someone to share things with is unexplainable. I can't put that into writing.

Maybe I was too comfortable with the future we painted, and maybe now, just as the quote says, life is truly about to begin.

Lessons from the grind

1) Enthusiasm and dedication are the most important qualities for a new employee to possess.

2) Try not to let the negative or pessimistic attitude of your coworkers rub off on you.

3) Remember your core values, and never, never forget them. Write them down. Display them somewhere visible or make note in your planner.

4) Never let anyone try to make you more "tech savvy" than you're comfortable with. It's OK to have a planner.

5) When you feel stressed out, take a deep breath. Seriously. Realize that it's not life and death. If it is life and death, well then, you may be in trouble, but there's always someone to lean on.

6) Thank your support system for loving you.

7) Thank your coworkers for helping you out when you needed it, and for understanding that you're not perfect.

8) Realize there will be growing pains at the beginning of any new job. Give it a chance, but also have the courage to know when you're in over your head and need help.

9) Ask for help.

10) Say your prayers and be thankful for all you have. There's always, always someone who is worse off than you.