Letters to Fraser: TWELVE months!

Dear Fraser,

I'm so late in writing this post because I'm in denial. How was it one whole year ago when you joined our family? You barreled into the world, and you've been quite a firecracker since.

It took so many weeks before I actually wanted to put you down. I just wanted to hold you and savor every minute, knowing nothing would ever be like that again. I still sort of feel that way. We haven't been apart for more than eight hours, and even that is the longest, I think. I just love having you in my life. In our lives. You are our ray of sunshine in the morning (still the very early morning--you don't seem to want to sleep in...ever), and you're our comedy show every night around bath time.

You're still not walking yet, but your army crawl is a distant memory, and you can waddle around with your little cart. You like to hang out on the windowsill in the dining area, and of course get into every drawer, dog bowl, and stack of books or laundry sitting out.

I had a nice long letter written, and half of it disappeared, and well, that's the story of my life it seems.

Highlights from months 11-12 included:
- Your standing up and motoring around from electrical outlet to electrical outlet, always looking for some sort of mischief.
- Our trip to Sunriver with our good friends the McFarlings. You absolutely loved watching and "playing" with Monroe, who is 2.5.
- A quick hike on the Pacific Crest Trail on our way home from Bend.
- Your first trip to the zoo with your friend Reagan and expert zoo-goer, Audrey.
- Linfield football homecoming...go Cats!
- More playing in the dirt and feeding the chickens at Luscher Farm.
- Your first real sickness and ear infection (not a highlight, but I thought I'd note it here).
- A cousin playdate on your birthday and a birthday brunch with all of your family to celebrate the big 1.

Shortly after your birthday, we headed east to the Wallowa mountains and to mom's alma mater, WSU, for homecoming. You were a champ the whole way, a great road warrior, hiker, and trip companion.

Fraser Mary, you are our little babbling ball of joy. Thank you for the best year of our lives. Just as they say, it went by in a blink, and I am anxious to see how our lives continue to change for the better because of you.

Love,
Mom

She's here! Fraser Mary Bethell

Tomorrow, she will be four weeks old. Four weeks. And Saturday is her one-month birthday.

It takes my breath away thinking that all that time has passed already. There's so much to say to summarize the last nine months, and who knows if and when I'll have the time to recap here. Thankfully, I kept a hard copy journal, the old-fashioned way, to chronicle my pregnancy. What a journey.

I want to mark her milestones and mention every little thing, but before I get into those things--because I could go on forever--I want to write a bit about her birth.

Our baby boy or girl's due date was October 12. I liked that date once our doctor said it, but I knew very few babies actually come on their due dates, so I stuck with "early October" when people asked me when he or she was due.

Because of my blood disorder, I was classified high-risk, so we saw a very special doctor at OHSU who worked hand-in-hand with my blood doctor. A real dream team, if you ask us. We got to see our baby very often, with lots of doctor's visits along the way. As we approached September, the doctor told us we needed to pick a date to be induced. This caught us off-guard even though she said I wouldn't be allowed to go beyond my due date. October 12 was the natural response because we wanted the baby to have as long of a time in my belly as possible. So, Dr. Wyatt scheduled an evening induction the night of October 11. But, she said, she was going to try and get me into labor on my own before then.

So, I wrapped up things at work early, celebrating my last day September 16. I cried when I got home because I landed in the most amazing work group back in May. I couldn't have asked for a more supportive team or more creative and inspiring work to contribute to when finishing out my pregnancy. It seemed so weird to be done, not knowing what the next few weeks would bring.

I enjoyed every one of those days to the fullest. I slept without alarms, I ate healthfully and heartily, I worked out, went on long walks with Bowen, and cleaned every inch of the house. I stocked the fridge, freezer, and pantry, and I thanked God every day for the time leading up to our baby's birth.

Along with the doctor's orders of membrane stripping came extra fetal monitoring, early in the morning on the three Wednesdays before the due date. We got to see our baby blink in the womb and take "practice breaths," which only babies with extra energy take, they told us.

Yes, three Wednesdays. Little baby Bethell held out until the very end. We had one false alarm, which sent us up the hill to the hospital. I thought my water broke, but it didn't. At least we knew exactly where to go once it really came time...because that hospital tour we took about a month prior went right out the window the minute we headed in.

When we arrived, the staff welcomed us as if we were checking into a luxury hotel. "You must be Ms. Bethell?" It felt surreal. Our nurse, Catalina, walked us to our corner room, right across from the break room and snack closet (definitely came in handy). She explained how inductions work, as we really had no clue. She said the nurses and doctors have a toolkit of tricks to try and get the baby to come. It could be a long process, she said, lasting a couple of days. In fact, she said she didn't think we'd have our baby until October 13.

I settled in, took a pill, and Taylor and I went to sleep. When I woke up early in the morning, they gave me another pill and checked my body's progress. I can't remember exactly when, but the doctors decided to implant a balloon in my cervix, in an attempt to promote more dilation. Taylor and I took walks back and forth around the labor and delivery floor. There wasn't a lot of ground to cover, but it felt good getting up and moving. The nurse told us I was contracting every few minutes, but I still didn't feel anything.  By mid-afternoon, the balloon fell out, the nurse started me on pitocin, and my body started responding rapidly.

The rest of the day and into early evening seemed like a blur. I experienced a couple hours worth of contractions, and the nurses quickly got the anesthesia team into our room. It didn't seem like I had labored long enough, based on the labor classes we took. I wasn't sure I was ready for the epidural, but they told me it was now or never. I chose "now," and thank God I did because as soon as the doctor checked my progress again it was time to start pushing.

I should mention Taylor ordered dinner before the epidural came, and it arrived right before I started pushing. I remember him trying to shovel down some food before the main event began. Our delivery doctor, Dr. Batman (you read that correctly), called in the attending physician and several other resident doctors and nurses. Because I delivered at a university hospital, we had probably eight or ten staff in the room when I started pushing.

I remember feeling great before I started pushing, and everyone was so encouraging. It only took a couple of pushes before the nurse said, "We see your baby's head, and it has a full head of hair." Taylor and I looked at each other and immediately started crying. It was so real all of a sudden. We picked up a conversation with the doctors in-between contractions and even missed a contraction because all of us--doctors included--were laughing so hard. I didn't know how long it would take during this pushing phase, and I remember wondering if the doctors were lying to me or if I really was "so close" to meeting our baby.

They weren't lying. After a half-hour of pushing, our baby popped out in a hurry, and the doctor placed him or her on my chest. I was crying and in shock at the beautiful baby in front of me. I looked at Taylor and asked if it was a boy or girl. He was crying, too, and said the doctor flung the baby on me so quickly he didn't see. They turned the baby over, and he said, "It's a girl." Neither of us could believe it.

I can't even write about the feeling. There are no words. We prayed and prayed for this baby, and here SHE was. Ten fingers, ten toes, a great hue of pink. A full head of hair. Her features were so small, her legs and arms so long. I just couldn't be happier. Or more exhausted. It took the doctors while to put me back together, but I didn't care. All I could think about was this new life that was part Taylor and part me.

Throughout my pregnancy, every co-worker, friend, family member, or stranger I met at the grocery store seemed to think I was carrying a baby boy. We even thought this baby was a boy for the majority of the pregnancy. Then, close to the end, I remember looking down at my belly and saying, "I bet you are a girl in there since everyone says you are a boy."

Taylor knew right away what we should name her, but I said I needed to sleep on it. We picked the name Fraser on our road trip over the summer, and Mary was my grandma's name (mom's mom).

There are so many other details to share, but our little Fraser just woke up, and I hear her calling for "mom."

The sweet spot of life

Soon March will be a memory, but for me, it's a month in a year that I'll forever hold dear. 

I celebrated my 30th birthday, which concluded my "Road to 30," a series of challenges, goals, and activities I planned and plotted, with the help of my friends at work. These two friends are just about to turn 30, too, so we motivated each other to create modified "30 Before 30" lists. I wrote mine out here a while back.

I'm proud of the progress I made on this list, but it's just a list. One of many. I've been an obsessive list-writer, goal-setter, and challenge-lover my entire life. I know in my heart of hearts that I can do anything I want to do with hard work, determination, and a cheering section. Oh, and time. 

It was easy to prioritize some of the things on this list because right now I have the time. I can be a bit selfish. I am not job-hunting. I am not house-hunting. I am not over-committed with freelance work. Taylor and I don't have kids. He is in the middle of tax season, and my biggest responsibility is our dog. And he is a big responsibility, don't get me wrong, but it's OK to leave him at home, and he doesn't need too much.

Soon, things will change. We will enter another season of our lives. I'm not sure what that will be or what God has in store for us, but I look forward with anticipation. We will be ready. Because we aren't taking for granted the time that we have right now. We're healthy. We have a roof over our heads. We bring joy to each other and hopefully to others. We have jobs that we love. For me, this is huge. A while back, I decided I wouldn't be happy unless I was working for myself. But that's a lie. In my current job, I love going to work, I love my coworkers, and I love what I do. That's a whole lot of love for something I spend the majority of my days doing right now. Eventually, of course, I would like to work for myself, but who's to say when that will be. I want to enjoy this. Right now.    

I am in the sweet spot of my life. I was so excited to turn 30 because to me 30 has always been a milestone signifying establishment. When I was 25, I wanted to be 30. I wanted to be taken seriously professionally, have experience personally, and have an understanding and appreciation for the events in my life. And I'm grateful because I feel like I have all of these things. 

I started writing this blog when I packed up my car and moved to Austin at age 22. Without a plan. I had the determination to figure things out, though, and I had my family and friends' encouragement. I made a life there. I lived it up. I continue to travel back with Taylor because Austin is my favorite city, and we continue to grow our friendships there, but I don't wish for that early 20s life. I know too much now. 

I chalked up more experiences through grad school, felt the pain of a broken heart, wondered when it would be my turn as I stood beside dear friends getting married, and eventually met the true love of my life. I felt the sting of a layoff, the humility of working a customer service job with a master's degree, and the uncertainty of leaping on faith when struggling between two new job opportunities. 

And then I got married. And we traveled. And we lived in an itty-bitty living space with more outdoor gear than two people should own. Then we bought a house and got a puppy. And now we're here. Settled into this sweet spot. 

I know why the events of my 30 years have shaped up the way they have. Why I didn't go to Stanford. Why I didn't marry young. Why I didn't move back to Austin. Because God always has a plan and things truly do happen for a reason, a cliche I didn't want to believe when I was 22, but I'm thankful I'm able to live out daily now at 30. 

We don't know what's next, but that's OK. If nothing ever changed, I think we'd still be happy. Because we've got a good thing. And we thank God every day for this time.

I'll continue to make lists and write out goals and to-dos, but some of these things will never get checked off, and others will get added without much consideration. I'm proud of my life at age 30, and I'm most thankful for the outstanding cheering section I've had the length of the road.   

  

Without further ado, a recap of this silly list: 

1) Finish our wedding album

CHECK! I made two--one with the professional photos and one with "outtakes," pics from pre-wedding celebrations, photos from friends, and pics from our honeymoon.

2) Paint and change out fixtures in guest bath
CHECK! Although we're saving a major update for when we're not spending money on travel, we did gussy up the bathroom with new paint and fixtures.

3) Complete a 30-day challenge

CHECK! Not only did work sponsor a Fit February challenge, but I did Barre3 every day for 30 days. Some days it was just 10 minutes, and some days I didn't squeeze it in till 11:50 p.m., but I did it! My co-worker once told me that she wanted to be in the best shape ever and to her that meant being able to transition activities, completing whatever challenge was in front of her, whether that meant running a half-marathon and then taking some kind of crazy workout class...and I feel like I can do that. I feel like I'm in MY "best shape ever," which is incomparable. 

4) Host a holiday dinner (plenty of options coming up with Christmas, New Years, Valentines)
CHECK! We didn't get to host Christmas this past holiday--hopefully next year!--but we did host a huge birthday dinner for Taylor (a make-up for his snowed out 30th from last year), and we hosted a Sweethearts' Dinner on Valentine's.

5) Make Julia Child's beef bourguignon
CHECK! It took all-day, people. I love Julia Child as if she were my grandmother, but there are some modern short-cuts that would accomplish this same level of deliciousness, I do believe. 

6) Organize my digital life, including my writing portfolio
DID NOT COMPLETE!!! Although progress has been made, my digital life continues to be a giant mess. This stays on the to-do list! 

7) Get some freelance work again 
CHECK! I wrote a post here: 

And I'm working with a couple of other folks to hopefully start up some new projects. Huzzah!

8) Organize my photos
DID NOT COMPLETE (see No. 6 above)! 

9) Host a multi-course dinner party
CHECK! We've had a couple of these now...

10) Make a schedule for finishing my cookbook ... the one I started almost 4 years ago in graduate school
DID NOT COMPLETE...BUT I AM WORKING ON IT! Thanks to an amazing author who spoke at work the other day, I've been re-energized to finish this project. I'll have my schedule done before March is complete. 

11) Write-up a plan for one of my business ideas

DID NOT COMPLETE! 

12) Minimize the amount of boxes in the garage
WORK IN PROGRESS! 

13) Plan our next road trip

CHECK! And it's going to be EPIC! Have dog. Will travel! 

As if the above wasn't enough, I decided to add a few things: 

14) Volunteer regularly 

CHECK! I volunteered as an assistant coach for the girls' basketball team at the high school where I went. I just went once weekly for practice and tried to make one game a week. It was tough carving out that time, and I'm thankful work is flexible, but I'm also glad the commitment is over. It was a lot of driving. Hopefully the girls got something out of it. I enjoyed the relationships I made with a couple of the ladies. 

15) Take a class 

I signed up for one at work, so does that count?

16) Host a soup party 

DID NOT COMPLETE...but maybe I can squeeze this in before spring swings into summer?

17) Pray the rosary for a week straight 

DID NOT COMPLETE...but am hoping to do this leading into Easter. 

18) Hand-make Valentine's 

CHECK! I would say this was more of a semi-homemade, as I had the idea and executed it, but I ended up buying the baked goods for assembly. 

Fun birthday deliveries...

Throwback photo love from sisters across the country!

This has nothing to do with anything, other than my love of Papa Murphy's heart-shaped pizza...this photo just uploaded, so here ya go!

Back on the wedding guest circuit...

New hair for the 30th...

Workout...I mean work...travel to L.A.

40 days

Nothing like Lent to encourage a bit more contemplation, reflection, prayer, and peacefulness.

My vow at Day 1 is to catch up on the last four months in the next 40 days here in the blogosphere. More happened in the last one-fourth of my 28th year than I can process, really, so it's only fitting that I start busting out the recaps.

It's a fresh start today, the day after the fattest Fat Tuesday on record, which just so happened to coincide with my first official day as a 29-year-old (for the first time, right?). Check out the video below for the best present ever...

I have other promises and intentions for this year's walk through Lent, and I hope I can keep at least a few of them. Here's to a new year, in more ways than one. God bless the journey!

Ohhh baby! Birthdays galore

How have I not blabbed about this yet?

Emily and Greg (often featured on this very blog) welcomed their baby girl into the world March 7. I wished and hoped and prayed to God she would come on my birthday, but little Lily Marie had other plans. Lucky 7 it was. Her Coug aunties welcomed her home with a stork! I just remember new babies in the neighborhood being announced like this, and I thought E and G would get a kick out of it. We are over-the-moon for this little lady, and we can't wait to meet her. Hopefully we can make that happen before May!

In other birthday news, my girl Leslee had a birthday last week, and we celebrated with some of her lovely friends at Pix Patisserie in SE Portland. Leslee is a consummate spoiler--always gifting--a best friend, and a great mom. She has a million friends, and I'm so thankful to be among them. Happy Birthday, Schady Lady!

Remember: A food photographer (or photographer in general) I am not. This was my dessert--a pumpkin creme brulee with edible gold. Fancy schmancy! 

Cute sparkler action for the birthday girl!

A nice show of support from some of Leslee's main gals...although many, many more couldn't make it! :(

Betty and Martha back at it

When I was in college, my friend Allison would come visit me every MLK Jr., Weekend. She'd come visit me in the summertime, too. Since we met during high school and bonded over fights with our moms and our love of Starbucks, we felt oh so grown up and independent being on our own in COLLEGE.

We would always plan our cooking adventures, too, trying our hand at cooking, although neither of us really knew what we were doing. We called ourselves Betty and Martha in the kitchen. 

Now, we're really all grown up, ten years removed from high school, and still planning meals together. Though we don't get to cook in the same kitchen all that often, we love discussing meal plans and sharing tips and tricks. 

What a long introduction to the story I'm really trying to tell...

Allison knows how much I love to cook. Allison knows how much I love surprises. During a time when I should be cooking and surprising Allison (she is pregnant--due with my friend niece in June!), she planned a birthday cooking surprise for me! 

We took a "Cozy Weekend Brunch" themed class the day before my birthday a couple weeks ago, and can I just tell you, it almost made me cry. What an absolutely perfect plan. She encompassed all the things I love: spending time with her, cooking, BRUNCH, and hanging out in the Pearl downtown (of course we had to have some therapy time over lattes before our course).

Thank you, Allison. You're such a gem. You've been the best friend to me for thirteen years now. You know me very well, and your thoughtfulness is a such a blessing.

Our teacher--she was just great! I learned a lot of tips and tricks.

Focused determination on the mixing.

Here I stand...preparing to just a MEAT GRINDER for the first time.

Ah...so this is how you make pork sausage. Good workout, ladies.

More focus. Get it, Al! Show that crepe who's boss.

Our first nibble...a cheesy scone.

How cute is she? So cute. Such a good mommy-to-be.

Do you want to know what we're talking about? I'm telling her how her knife skills demonstration and also the "adding alcohol to a hot pan" portion of the class really applied to me. I don't need to remind y'all about the infamous trip to ER or the flaming Thanksgiving whiskey carrots, do I?

Inspecting the greatness.

I found out the chef is a bride-to-be, too. I asked her opinion on some cook- and bake-ware. We bonded. Can you tell?

My mouth is watering all over again. This is a brioche French toast. Very low-cal. Um. Right. 

And then we ate! The complete menu included these apple-stuffed crepes, a sweet potato hash, the pork sausage, and the French toast. The pear mimosa was a nice treat. Sorry yours had to be non-alcoholic, Al. ;)