Letters to Fraser: One month

Dear Fraser,

You're already one month old, which is almost unbelievable.

To think we became a family of three more than four weeks ago is incredible. You are the perfect addition, and our hearts are bursting with love and pride for the little being that you are. I've cried many days just looking at you because I'm so thankful you're here and healthy. And I've seen you change so much in these few weeks.

You are a peaceful baby and you don't seem to fuss too often. We usually know just what you want, unless it's around 7 at night, and then you just want to squawk or squeal until we put you in the bathtub. You love baths, and we love to watch you in the bath. I wonder if you'll always like water, it seems to really soothe you.

I wonder endless things about you now that you're in the real world with us. We did so many things together when you were growing inside--we took you to our favorite places, ate amazing food, ran lots of miles until we couldn't anymore, hiked, explored, and went to lots of workout classes together. You always moved and shook right along with me, so I wondered if you'd be just as active on the outside. So far this is true.

You're as active as you can be right now, and your neck is already incredibly strong. You love to have your hands up by your face, sometimes in fists, and we often say you're calling a friend. In those first few days at home, we couldn't figure out how to secure you in a swaddle at night--you always managed to break your hands out of the wrap. You also manage to scoot yourself all over the bassinet.

Speaking of the bassinet, I'll never forget our first night at home with you. We didn't know what to do at "bedtime," and Dad had fallen asleep on the couch. I didn't want to wake him, so I decided to put you in a sleep shirt (that was way too big for you) and set you down in the bassinet without a swaddle. You fussed and squirmed, but I didn't know what to do. I hadn't really read up on "the fourth trimester," so I just prayed we'd make it through the night and to morning. I don't think I slept for two straight days. I wanted to make sure you were breathing, and I just wanted to make you happy.

Thankfully, we went to the pediatrician just a couple days later, and he gave us a little pep talk on making sure we established your days and nights. We figured you missed being all snuggly in my belly, so we started setting the heating pad in the bassinet to warm up that mattress. And Uncle Joe gave us a pep talk on swaddling. We now make sure you get a nice bath, an extra-tight swaddle, and one more feeding with the white noise sounds of a stream of flowing water blasting in the background. It seems to be working, as you sleep well at night. Oh, and we've continued to pre-heat your bed.

You love movement, including rides in the stroller and in the car. If we're not sure what's wrong, we bounce you around in our arms or do leg squats holding you, and you usually simmer down.

You make a lot of funny noises, many of which we like to imitate, and most of these noises are accompanied by kicks and flailing arms. You also do what we call "Frankenstein arms" when we're changing you or when you hear a loud noise. I think it's a reflex. It's extremely cute. So are your unconscious smiles. I like to think you know my voice and Dad's and are smiling at the things we say to you.

Your belly is getting round, and you're eating like a champ. Your skinny legs and arms are starting to fatten up, but you still seem pretty tiny, especially to my friends who've had 10 pound babies. Your limbs are long--imagine that, and so are your fingers and toes.

So many friends and family members rushed to meet you in your first month. It was an outpouring of love and affection I did not expect and could never repay. People came bearing amazing gifts, thoughtful and filling meals, clothes, treates, and open arms for you. You've met all four of your great-grandparents, lots of aunties and uncles, and one of your six cousins, Audrey. She's two years old, and we think you'll be best friends someday.

We also celebrated some of your first holidays right away: first Halloween and first Election Day. I had so many costumes from your aunties, hand-me-downs from your cousins, and I wanted to make sure you got to try out each of them, so I rotated you through all of the costumes on Halloween. You visited Daddy at his office, Big Poppi at his office, and Nana B and cousin Audrey. I apologized to you once we finally put you in your pajamas. This was about 12 times more activity than you'd had your entire life! You were such a good sport with all the stimulation.

You and I like days when we have no plans and can just stay home because soon enough we will be out and about regularly. In fact, we didn't leave the house except for doctor's visits the first two weeks straight. My favorite days have been the sunny and crisp late fall days when we're able to go for walks--either I carry you in a wrap or you ride in the stroller. There are some bright orange and yellow leaves that held out on the tall trees around our house. Those trees must have known just how much I love their changing colors. I was so happy you were born this time of year.

We just took you to church for the first time, and I was so nervous you wouldn't make it through the service. Whenever we went during my pregnancy, you always kicked and moved a lot, and I would say to Dad, "Oh, Baby likes church." I was hopeful this would continue and amazed when you slept through the whole thing. Thank you, Jesus!

I know as soon as I sign off, I'll think of 17 other things I've noticed about you in the last four weeks. I'm beyond thankful for you. I'm proud of you already. You're the most precious gift from God. We prayed and prayed and prayed for you. Our friends and family prayed for you. And the minute you arrived, we thanked God you were you...you were healthy...you were ours.

You're about to change more as the weeks and months continue to fly. We're heading into the holidays, a time of year that makes my heart explode with happiness. With so much thankfulness, joy, and love in my heart, I know without a doubt it will be the best Christmas we've ever had.

Thanks for choosing me to be your mama, Fraser Mary. I love you.

Mom

Election Day attire

She's here! Fraser Mary Bethell

Tomorrow, she will be four weeks old. Four weeks. And Saturday is her one-month birthday.

It takes my breath away thinking that all that time has passed already. There's so much to say to summarize the last nine months, and who knows if and when I'll have the time to recap here. Thankfully, I kept a hard copy journal, the old-fashioned way, to chronicle my pregnancy. What a journey.

I want to mark her milestones and mention every little thing, but before I get into those things--because I could go on forever--I want to write a bit about her birth.

Our baby boy or girl's due date was October 12. I liked that date once our doctor said it, but I knew very few babies actually come on their due dates, so I stuck with "early October" when people asked me when he or she was due.

Because of my blood disorder, I was classified high-risk, so we saw a very special doctor at OHSU who worked hand-in-hand with my blood doctor. A real dream team, if you ask us. We got to see our baby very often, with lots of doctor's visits along the way. As we approached September, the doctor told us we needed to pick a date to be induced. This caught us off-guard even though she said I wouldn't be allowed to go beyond my due date. October 12 was the natural response because we wanted the baby to have as long of a time in my belly as possible. So, Dr. Wyatt scheduled an evening induction the night of October 11. But, she said, she was going to try and get me into labor on my own before then.

So, I wrapped up things at work early, celebrating my last day September 16. I cried when I got home because I landed in the most amazing work group back in May. I couldn't have asked for a more supportive team or more creative and inspiring work to contribute to when finishing out my pregnancy. It seemed so weird to be done, not knowing what the next few weeks would bring.

I enjoyed every one of those days to the fullest. I slept without alarms, I ate healthfully and heartily, I worked out, went on long walks with Bowen, and cleaned every inch of the house. I stocked the fridge, freezer, and pantry, and I thanked God every day for the time leading up to our baby's birth.

Along with the doctor's orders of membrane stripping came extra fetal monitoring, early in the morning on the three Wednesdays before the due date. We got to see our baby blink in the womb and take "practice breaths," which only babies with extra energy take, they told us.

Yes, three Wednesdays. Little baby Bethell held out until the very end. We had one false alarm, which sent us up the hill to the hospital. I thought my water broke, but it didn't. At least we knew exactly where to go once it really came time...because that hospital tour we took about a month prior went right out the window the minute we headed in.

When we arrived, the staff welcomed us as if we were checking into a luxury hotel. "You must be Ms. Bethell?" It felt surreal. Our nurse, Catalina, walked us to our corner room, right across from the break room and snack closet (definitely came in handy). She explained how inductions work, as we really had no clue. She said the nurses and doctors have a toolkit of tricks to try and get the baby to come. It could be a long process, she said, lasting a couple of days. In fact, she said she didn't think we'd have our baby until October 13.

I settled in, took a pill, and Taylor and I went to sleep. When I woke up early in the morning, they gave me another pill and checked my body's progress. I can't remember exactly when, but the doctors decided to implant a balloon in my cervix, in an attempt to promote more dilation. Taylor and I took walks back and forth around the labor and delivery floor. There wasn't a lot of ground to cover, but it felt good getting up and moving. The nurse told us I was contracting every few minutes, but I still didn't feel anything.  By mid-afternoon, the balloon fell out, the nurse started me on pitocin, and my body started responding rapidly.

The rest of the day and into early evening seemed like a blur. I experienced a couple hours worth of contractions, and the nurses quickly got the anesthesia team into our room. It didn't seem like I had labored long enough, based on the labor classes we took. I wasn't sure I was ready for the epidural, but they told me it was now or never. I chose "now," and thank God I did because as soon as the doctor checked my progress again it was time to start pushing.

I should mention Taylor ordered dinner before the epidural came, and it arrived right before I started pushing. I remember him trying to shovel down some food before the main event began. Our delivery doctor, Dr. Batman (you read that correctly), called in the attending physician and several other resident doctors and nurses. Because I delivered at a university hospital, we had probably eight or ten staff in the room when I started pushing.

I remember feeling great before I started pushing, and everyone was so encouraging. It only took a couple of pushes before the nurse said, "We see your baby's head, and it has a full head of hair." Taylor and I looked at each other and immediately started crying. It was so real all of a sudden. We picked up a conversation with the doctors in-between contractions and even missed a contraction because all of us--doctors included--were laughing so hard. I didn't know how long it would take during this pushing phase, and I remember wondering if the doctors were lying to me or if I really was "so close" to meeting our baby.

They weren't lying. After a half-hour of pushing, our baby popped out in a hurry, and the doctor placed him or her on my chest. I was crying and in shock at the beautiful baby in front of me. I looked at Taylor and asked if it was a boy or girl. He was crying, too, and said the doctor flung the baby on me so quickly he didn't see. They turned the baby over, and he said, "It's a girl." Neither of us could believe it.

I can't even write about the feeling. There are no words. We prayed and prayed for this baby, and here SHE was. Ten fingers, ten toes, a great hue of pink. A full head of hair. Her features were so small, her legs and arms so long. I just couldn't be happier. Or more exhausted. It took the doctors while to put me back together, but I didn't care. All I could think about was this new life that was part Taylor and part me.

Throughout my pregnancy, every co-worker, friend, family member, or stranger I met at the grocery store seemed to think I was carrying a baby boy. We even thought this baby was a boy for the majority of the pregnancy. Then, close to the end, I remember looking down at my belly and saying, "I bet you are a girl in there since everyone says you are a boy."

Taylor knew right away what we should name her, but I said I needed to sleep on it. We picked the name Fraser on our road trip over the summer, and Mary was my grandma's name (mom's mom).

There are so many other details to share, but our little Fraser just woke up, and I hear her calling for "mom."